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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a safe space to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.